Is this itinerary possible in 2-3 weeks for under $1500?  Any suggestions?

Route

Paris
Vienna
Bratislava
Budapest
Belgrade
Bucharest

The first issue on the agenda is the performance of Johnson in the first test.  Bad puns aside, Jonno (should he be afforded the opportunity) needs to roll up his sleeves.  The first test encapsulated the worst of Mitchell Johnson – it’s obvious the poms are (at this stage) a psychological bridge too far for Mitch.

Dennis Lillee’s ‘once in a generation’ protege is on the precipice of of joining the likes of Dan Cullen, Nathan Bracken, Mark Cosgrove and Beau Casson in the Cricketing Wilderness.  However, I definitely subscribe to the view that Johnson has accrued more than enough goodwill and should be retained in the hope that he inexplicably turns the corner (which he is very liable to do).

Bowl fast would be my advice to Mitch.  Don’t worry about accuracy, or bravado, or swing – just focus on bending back some rib cages and the poles will come.

On another note – cricket and body art are synonymous these days… apparently.

Johnno

Kevin Pieterson’s tattoo

Brendan McCullum’s Tattoo

MS Dhoni’s Tattoo

Mitch's Tatts - too much to ask?

I never pictured Mitchell Johnson as a follower.  Mummy’s boy? Maybe.  But follower, not likely.  In his newest incarnation, Johnson has hitch hiked the bogan bandwagon all the way to tattooville by covering himself in more ink than the Sydney Morning Herald.

Once the dominion of bikies, sailors, criminals and Rugby League players – it seems that the “culture” of the tattoo has finally infiltrated the cricketing subconscious. 

The warning signs were there.  Brendan McCallum, Michael Clarke and Kevin Pietersen brought subtler versions of bogan body art to the game - but Johnson’s transformation really was the Gavrillo Princip moment.

Consider the floodgates now open.

There are undercover bogans all around us.  Cricket, as microcosm of society, is no different.  Mitchell Johnson’s tattoos will lead to a cricketing revolution of distasteful proportions.

W.C Grace and the Don would be mourning in cricket heaven – Pyjama Cricket, 20/20, now this… What is happening to the gentleman’s game.

...living quietly amongst us

An opportunist til the end, the lefty surmised that hurling both of his shoes at the former PM would be the best way to convey his thoughts on the Iraq war.

Mate, I’d be more concerned about walking home barefoot.

Once a significant rite of passage, turning forty was historically the doorway to life’s crescendo.  Nowadays, perhaps through shifting societal expectations or generally higher life expectancies  40 no longer holds the significance it once did.  This extends to sport

Whilst the average retirement age varies from sport to sport – there is a general theme that any occupation which involves the physical and mental exertion involved in professional sport will not be a life-long one

Cricket is no exception.  Whilst generally exhibiting longer than average careers, 40 has long been a psychological barrier to far for most.  Tendulkar, whilst ensuring his place in cricketing immortality, has unwittingly become an activist for an ageist general and cricketing public.

If physically able there is no reason why, for example, Ricky Ponting cannot play well beyond 40.  Surely there is noone to take his place.  Nor is there his equivalent to guide and nurture the foreseeably young Australian team of the future.  And i don’t buy the argument revolving around replacing established players with young, untried potential – rebuilding loses sight of the overall goal.

Nevertheless, we’re at a turning point in world cricket – the illusion of age shall not weary them.

The only caveat being – everyone’s in on it.

Why not legalise match fixing?  Make cricket the Amsterdam of the sporting world and remove the taboo.  Maybe then we’ll get what we yearn for – a level playing field.

I can only imagine it’s going to be harder to artificially manipulate the outcomes of matches when both teams are trying to lose.  Just imagine – Hansie Cronje padding up to one in front – only for the bowler (Asif) to be called for his third no-ball of the over.  What a spectacle!

Another advantage could be to the economies of the main perpetrators of match fixing (and I can’t be accused of generalising here) – the Subcontinent.  If the Black Market was included in official GDP calculations, it’s speculated that 20% of India’s GDP would be attributed to black market activities.  Why not make it official?  India has a nominal GDP of $1.4 Trillion with a growth rate of almost 9% – let’s bring match fixing out of the shadows and improve the official economic indicators of this burgeoning economic behemoth.

Or perhaps legalising match-fixing will bring the game into line with the ICC.  It’s well known – the nemesis of corruption is accountability – and it was accountability that lost out when the ICC inexplicably (and unethically mind you) vetoed John Howard out of contention for the chairman’s position.  Have you heard of Australia?  It’s that developed economy just above Antarctica.  Have you noticed how we avoided recession in the aftermath of the GFC?  None of our major financial institutions failed, and although we are in deficit (for the first time in almost a decade), our debt ratio is only around the 20% mark (compare this to India 55%, Pakistan 49%, UK 75% and Japan 200%).  John Howard was, in no small way, responsible for this.

Howard would have brought accountability, success and credibility to the ICC – but corruption nipped that in the bud.  I say legalise corruption – for the sake of the game.

Mediocrity and Australia are generally mutually exclusive (apart from Sydney’s public transport, The Hyundai A-League and certain auburn-haired (former) socialist.  However, the Australian cricket team’s recent mediocrity has been mirrored by its demotion to the most mediocre of rankings – 5^th.

Not awful – but certainly not good is by no means the Australian way.

The mediocre manifesto…

• Fifth Ranked test cricket playing nation : Australia
  Mediocre because: Marcus North really is our best option at number 6

• The fifth longest river in world: The Ob River, Russia
  Mediocre because: Does Ob stand for something?

• Fifth highest selling album of all time: Meatloaf – Bat out of Hell
  Mediocre because: not quite as fat as Elvis and nowhere near as good

• 5^th Ranked tennis player: Robin Soderling
  Mediocre because: I’ve never heard of him (or her)
• 5^th Ranked golfer: Steve Stricker
  Mediocre because: never won a major
• 5^th richest man in the world: Lakshmi Mittal
  Mediocre because: He’s as crooked as Murali’s bowling action

In my line of work I come across bucket-loads of quality literature. the new page You buy – I give you good price is a showcase of books that patrons of the BEHINDsquare establishment may be interested in (ie Steve Waugh’s autobio).  Have a squiz – it will be continuously updated

In an earlier mark of respect to the Afghans, South Africa named their full strength team for the match.  It had been rumoured that Caster Semenya was on standby for the injured Albie Morkel – pending gender verification.

In other news Deandra Dottin (a genuine female) scored the fastest ever century in international cricket.  She achieved the milestone of just 38 balls – eclipsing Brendan McCullum and fellow Windian Chris Gayle in the process.

One can only say thank god for the Ashes – but it only comes around every couple of years.  In between we are forced to feed on an unsatisfying buffet of basket cases and also-rans.  Basically, during our Ashes intermissions we need to spice things up a little.  Cricket needs more sex appeal.  And with the imminent retirement of Richie Benaud, cricket’s sexual vacuum will be at record suction.

The old silver fox is the Sean Connery of world cricket and no amount of sparsely dressed Bollywood dancers could ever be his substitute.  As such, I would implore the ICC to act swiftly and implement a number of critical initiatives to sexualize cricket.  I’ll give you three:

• Cheerleaders at test matches.  (during drinks breaks etc) Obviously they should wear whites
• A wet T-Shirt world cup to coincide with the ODI or T20 world cup &
• Retractable armrests (like at the cinema) at the grounds

That’s only a start.